


No, Sugawara, This Is not a Cult

by kenmagobrrr



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi Keiji Is So Done, Akaashi Keiji is a Mess, Akaashi Keiji/Miya Atsumu for a hot minute, Atsumu Is Heather, Atsumu slanders everyone else, DaiSuga is the only established relationship at the moment, Don't let those ship tags deceive you, Established Relationship, Everyone Is Gay, Everyone gangs up on eachother, Excessive use of the word whore, M/M, Miya Atsumu Being an Idiot, Miya Atsumu is Adorable, Oikawa Tooru Being Oikawa Tooru, Oikawa Tooru Wears Glasses, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pretty Setter Squad, Slander towards everyone except Atsumu, Sugawara Koushi is a Little Shit, They Bully Eachother, akaashi keiji is a simp, everyone is a mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29503818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenmagobrrr/pseuds/kenmagobrrr
Summary: oikawa: no, you will not be sparedakaashi: I hope someone shits in your cereal tomorrow.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Miya Atsumu, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi, Oikawa Tooru/Sugawara Koushi, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 11
Kudos: 120





	1. A cult, the slander, Akaashi is a simp

**Author's Note:**

> I've been waiting for this one, TURN IT UP!

**oikawa has added suga, akaashi and (1) other to the chat!**

**akaashi:** I will not be dragged into your problems Oikawa—san please, let me rest for a minute I already deal with Bokuto—san and Kuroo—san on a daily basis. Yes, I am aware that you're not as bad as those two but you're just below their chaotic scale so you're just as bad and exhausting and mentally draining. I am only a second year and I can already see the grey hairs growing and I swear I'm losing hair, again, I am a second year. I am 17 and my hair is falling out. I'm going to be bald soon, I'll probably die from a heart attack. Spare me this once, please. Spare me because I might just fall over and that's it, I'm gone, dead, deceased. Please think this through, you might be arrested for first-degree murder, are you ready for that? Are you ready to be labelled as a murderer? Because I don't think you are, no, I know you're not ready. You'll be thrown into jail and be forced to wear an ugly bodysuit that you won't get to wash daily, your hair might fall out because it's dry and shaggy from not having the right hair products, this is your future Oikawa—san, you're a criminal. A murderer.

 **suga:** is this a cult?

 **oikawa:** why would I make a cult?

 **suga:** idk this has cult vibes

 **oikawa:** this is not a cult, this is a setter gc

 **suga:** so it's a cult

 **oikawa:** IT'S NOT A CULT

 **akaashi:** nono, this is a cult

 **oikawa:** akaashi I'm going to body you

 **akaashi:** please put me out of my misery

 **oikawa:** STOP BEING DEPRESSED, WHORE

 **suga:** apparently akaashi slander is a thing now

 **oikawa:** mf deserves it

 **akaashi:** hey (*￣ii￣)

 **oikawa:** fuck off

 **akaashi:** choke

 **suga:** why are we here 

**oikawa:** because I need a squad and friends to rant too (¬_¬ )

 **akaashi:** lol loser

 **suga:** okay so whos the other person

 **oikawa:** what

 **suga:** the other person

 **oikawa:** I don't know what you're saying

 **akaashi:** do you not speak Japanese? or are you just stupid

 **suga:** don't pull out the 9

 **oikawa:** just call me a slur why don't you

 **suga:** you didn't answer my question, bitch 

**oikawa:** don't disrespect the cult leader

 **suga:** SO IT IS A CULT

 **oikawa:** ITS NOT A CULT THAT WASN'T ME

 **suga:** YOU FUCKING LIAR

 **oikawa:** I HAVE NEVER LIED ONCE IN MY LIFE THAT'S WHY IM GOING TO HEAVEN

 **akaashi:** god is homophobic

 **suga:** EXACTLY

 **oikawa:** JOKES ON YOU I'M STRAIGHT

 **akaashi:** BAHAHAHAGHSJBJGSYU

 **suga:** LOOK WHAT YOU DID, YOU BROKE AKAASHI

 **akaashi:** BAHAHAHBAJBS OH MHYBGOG

 **oikawa:** you're right, that was a bit of a stretch

 **suga:** WHO WERE YOU TRYING TO FOOL?

 **oikawa:** I DON'T KNOW OKAY

 **akaashi:** HAHABJNMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

 **suga:** we all know you're a flaming homosexual

 **akaashi:** and a bottom

 **oikawa:** STOP

 **suga:** no, I am homophobic

 **oikawa:** YOU'RE DATING A MAN

 **suga:** AND?

 **oikawa:** AND YOU

 **suga:** YEAH??

 **oikawa:** YOU

 **suga:** HURRY UP, WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY

 **akaashi:** don't bully him, he's sensitive

 **oikawa:** fuck off, aka—chan

 **suga:** that was so intimidating

 **akaashi:** I know, I feel threatened

 **suga:** truly scary, leader—san

 **oikawa:** FUCK YOU GUYS

 **akaashi:** lol

 **suga:** you hear that?

 **oikawa:** hear what?

 **suga:** ˢʰᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᵘᵖ ᵒⁱᵏᵃʷᵃ

 **oikawa:** listen here, fucker

 **akaashi:** do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again

 **suga:** shits loudly

 **oikawa:** I can't believe this is what the pretty setter squad is, you're all losers

 **akaashi:** this is your fault, you started this

 **oikawa:** you literally have grey hair shut up

 **akaashi:** no that's suga

 **oikawa:** old man suga HAHAHAA

 **suga:** why am I getting slandered

 **oikawa:** because I hate you

 **akaashi:** we don't like old men, gross

 **suga:** my heart is shattering, but I smile through the pain

 **akaashi:** you're broken </3

 **oikawa:** fucking emos

 **suga:** oikawa no

 **akaashi:** oikawa we know what you're about to do

 **oikawa:** :)

 **suga:** OIKAWA PLS

 **akaashi:** OIKAWA

 **oikawa:** he might not look he gets bitches but honey that dick was eleven inches

 **akaashi:** NODBUHJ

 **oikawa:** COME ON, FUCK ME, EMO BOY

 **suga:** SHUT UP YOU BOTTOM

 **akaashi:** BOTTOMS DON'T GET TO SPEAK

 **atsumu:** hey guys (￣▽￣)ノ

 **akaashi:** except for this goddamn ball of sunshine

 **oikawa:** STOP THIS ISN'T FAIR

 **suga:** WHY AM I CHOKING

 **atsumu:** breathe

 **suga:** thank you for the wonderful advice, atsumu, very helpful, very appreciated.

 **atsumu:** thx ＼(⌒▽⌒)

 **akaashi:** STOP HE'S SO CUTE

 **oikawa:** caught you slipping

 **suga:** IM STILL CHOKING HELP

 **atsumu:** I TOLD YOU TO BREATHE

 **akaashi:** listen to him, suga, so disrespectful :/

 **oikawa:** I need to put my glasses on for this bullshit

 **suga:** why are you, of all people, a simp

 **akaashi:** I'm not a simp. Atsumu, are you single?

 **atsumu:** I am! ( ´ ω ` )

 **oikawa:** akaashi no

 **suga:** akaashi stop

 **oikawa:** akaashi this isn't right

 **suga:** bad akaashi

 **oikawa:** down akaashi

 **suga:** down, right now akaashi

 **oikawa:** akaashi I can see you salivating through the screen

 **suga:** akaashi that's gross

 **oikawa:** ew akaashi

 **akaashi:** suck my dick and balls

 **suga:** you want atsumu to do that though, don't you

 **oikawa:** we caught you

 **suga:** we know all your secrets

 **atsumu:** whats happening, what the fuck

 **oikawa:** TSUMU NO SWEARING

 **suga:** BAD TSUMU

 **oikawa:** GO SIT IN THE CORNER

 **suga:** RIGHT NOW

 **atsumu:** what am I? a dog?

 **suga:** no but akaashi would bark at you in public, be careful

 **oikawa:** CHOKING

 **akaashi:** STOP IT

 **suga:** akaashi, can we get an owa owa

 **akaashi:** shut up you literally suck daichi's toes

 **oikawa:** that's a low blow kaashi :/

 **suga:** yeah, kaashi :/ I'm hurt :/

 **oikawa:** goddamnit kaashi :/

 **atsumu:** guys I just got railed


	2. cosplays, dilfs, arguments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oikawa: b are you good?
> 
> atsumu: I don't think it's my brother  
> atsumu: nvm it was my sukuna cut out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry in advance.

**suga has renamed the chat!**

** The Cult (4) **

**oikawa:** suga, I am fuming

 **suga:** good

 **oikawa:** I'M GOING TO SLAP YOU

 **suga:** no don't, only daichi

 **oikawa:** why

 **akaashi:** keep your kinks out of the chat, whore

 **suga:** ooh~ akaashi, degrade me more

 **akaashi:** I regret everything, I'm leaving the city, the country, the planet, the solar system.

 **oikawa:** take me with you

 **akaashi:** no

 **oikawa:** fuck you bitch

 **akaashi:** do I look like a bottom to you

 **oikawa:** just because you want to stick your dick in atsumu doesn't make you a top, honey <3

 **akaashi:** STOP I HATE YOU GO CHOKE AND DIE

 **suga:** bottoms don't get to speak

 **atsumu:** it's too early for this shit

 **suga:** except this man right here

 **akaashi:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **oikawa:** not atsumu becoming heather

 **suga:** I wish I were heather :(

 **atsumu:** gross  
 **atsumu:** I mean, thank you ( ' ▽ ' )ﾉ

 **oikawa:** we all saw that, bitch

 **suga:** we caught you

 **akaashi:** atsumu I love you

 **oikawa:** AKAASHI CONTROL YOURSELF

 **suga:** AKAASHI CHILL

 **atsumu:** AKAKAK

 **oikawa:** BITCH??

 **suga:** ATSUMU ARE YOU OKAY??

 **akaashi:** QUICK,HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP

 **oikawa:** ARE YOU DUMB?

 **akaashi:** UNFORTUNATELY

 **suga:** GUYS PLS NOT NOW

 **atsumu:** THERES SOMEONE OUTSIDE MY WINDOW AND I'M ON THE SECOND STORY

 **akaashi:** WHAT

 **oikawa:** damn slender man getting freaky tonight 

**suga:** you brought back some memories and I don't appreciate that

 **oikawa:** jeff the killer x reader

 **suga:** I'm leaving

 **atsumu:** THEY'RE KNOCKING WHY ARE THEY KNOCKING IM GOING TO SCREAM IM CRYING

 **akaashi:** CALL THE FIRE STATION

 **atsumu:** WHAT??

 **oikawa:** akaashi's not the brightest

 **akaashi:** this is slander

 **oikawa:** aw.. ok.

 **suga:** OIKAWAJNSKS

 **atsumu:** IT'S OPNEINGH

 **oikawa:** GET THE BROOM

 **suga:** GET THE SHOVEL

 **akaashi:** GET THE BOWL

 **atsumu:** BITCH WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

 **oikawa:** it's kaashi's dumbass hours dw

 **suga:** it's also bully akaashi hours

 **atsumu:** AAJKAN GUSYJSVb

**atsumu has disconnected!**

**oikawa:** COME BACK HERE

 **akaashi:** WHAT IS HAPPENING

 **suga:** EVERYTHING

 **oikawa:** WHAT

 **suga:** I DON'T KNOW

**atsumu has reconnected!**

**atsumu:** hey guys, false alarm it was just samu

 **oikawa:** bye I bet you wanted it to be sukuna

 **atsumu:** let me live, whore

 **akaashi:** hey atsumu, I actually have a sukuna cosplay

 **atsumu:** REALLYJNDHD??

 **suga:** shut up akaashi omg

 **akaashi:** get out of my business, suga, this doesn't concern you

 **oikawa:** here we go again

 **suga:** I know a simp ain't telling me what to do

 **akaashi:** like you get an opinion, aren't you an old man?

 **suga:** you're so desperate, please it's embarrassing

 **akaashi:** sorry but homewreckers don't get to speak, baby <3

 **suga:** listen here you musty, crusty, ashy ass bitch 

**akaashi:** "oH yEs dEgRadE mE mOrE~"

 **oikawa:** I'M SHITTING MYSELF

 **atsumu:** YOU GOT EXPLOSIVE DIAHERRIA???

 **oikawa:** YES

 **atsumu:** sukuna cosplay akaashi─kun :)

 **oikawa:** PLS THATS ALL YOU CARE ABOUT??

 **atsumu:** SUKUNA COSPLAY RIGHT NOW

 **akaashi:** _(image attachment)_

 **suga:** oh

 **oikawa:** oh

 **atsumu:** my legs are open for you, daddy

 **akaashi:** IHSVBJKSHJAUGU

**akaashi has disconnected!**

**oikawa:** GET BACK HERE YOU STUPID BITCH

 **suga:** IM CRYING

 **atsumu:** that made my puthy throb

 **oikawa:** I was literally about to say that made my puthy throb

 **atsumu:** guys there's a random man in my room

 **suga:** WHAT?

 **oikawa:** b are you good?

 **atsumu:** I don't think it's my brother  
 **atsumu:** nvm it was my sukuna cut out

 **suga:** atsumu pls this has to stop

 **atsumu:** no <3

 **oikawa:** gojo is better

 **suga:** im

 **atsumu:** :/

 **oikawa:** :)

 **atsumu:** who the fuck do you think you are?

 **oikawa:** my name is tooru and I think gojo is better  
 **oikawa:** it's just my opinion, babe <3

 **atsumu:** your opinion is wrong, stupid bitch

 **suga:** IM CRYING AGAIN

 **oikawa:** FINE IM JUST STATING FACTS

 **atsumu:** SHUT UP YOU LITERALLY HAVE A DADDY KINK THAT'S WHY YOU LIKE GOJO

 **oikawa:** YOU CALLED AKAASHI DADDY?? AND SUKUNA IS A DILF??!!!

 **atsumu:** I HOPE A BIRD SHITS ON YOUR SHOES TOMORROW

 **oikawa:** SUGA BACK ME UP

 **suga:** sry can't :( <3

 **oikawa:** THIS IS SLANDER

 **atsumu:** GOOD YOU DESERVE IT BECAUSE SUKUNA IS SUPERIOR

 **oikawa:** WHEN I SEE YOU IN MIYAGI I WILL KISS YOU SO HARD

 **atsumu:** YOU WON'T NO BALLS

 **oikawa:** BET 

**akaashi has reconnected!**

**akaashi:** listen here you little shit


	3. sugawara drinks piss, atsumu makes out with his cutout of sukuna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> akaashi: STOP MAKING OUT WITH YOUR CARDBOARD CUT OUT
> 
> atsumu: who want me

** The Cult (4) **

**atsumu:** ugh :(

 **akaashi:** what's wrong? :(

 **oikawa:** are you okay baby? :(

 **suga:** you need cookies? :(  
 **suga:** I don't know how to make them but I'll try for u :(

 **atsumu:** my team keeps comparing me to 'samu

 **oikawa:** what the fuck

 **akaashi:** why would they compare TWINS? That's disgusting

 **suga:** nuh uh, this ain't going to work honey

 **atsumu:** they think he's better I don't get it :(

 **akaashi:** atsumu, that's not true.

 **oikawa:** I've seen osamu before, I'm pretty sure he's emotionally constipated, at least you got personality <3

 **suga:** TSUMU YOU'RE AMAZING OKAY?? WE LOVE YOU

 **oikawa:** YOU'RE A BAD BITCH

 **akaashi:** YOU'RE SEXY TOO

 **atsumu:** GUYSSSS I'M GOING TO CRY STOPP

 **suga:** but no seriously atsumu, you're a wonderful person, okay? just because you're confident doesn't mean you're ignorant, you're such a good person. you're so selfless too, so no frowning or I'll burn your sukuna cut out <3

 **oikawa:** if they are making you feel this way, please speak to them, and if you can't at least talk to your brother. I think hell understand, don't bottle your emotions up, you're human too babes. YOU'RE AMAZING BITCH

 **akaashi:** please your teammates are blind if they see you any less then you are, you practically carry your team when you're on the court. and when you're not on the court? you're a sweetheart, you have this smile that's so damn contagious, believe me I've seen you on tv.. 

**atsumu:** I'm sobbing thank you so much I love you guys so much wtf  
 **atsumu:** hold on I'll be back in a minute

 **akaashi:** atsumu I'm going to buy you so much jjk merch I'll be your sugar daddy

 **oikawa:** AKAASHI STOP

 **suga:** AKAASHI NO

 **oikawa:** AKAASHI NOT THE TIME

 **suga:** AKAASHI I'LL FUCKING BONK YOU

 **akaashi:** STOP BULLYING ME

 **oikawa:** NO YOU WHORE

 **suga:** YOU'RE GETTING NO MORE SUCKY SUCKS AND SLURPY SLURPS

 **akaashi:** I NEVER GOT THOSE IN THE FIRST PLACE HOP OFF MY DICK U BITCHES

 **oikawa:** y'all so annoying shut up ugh

 **suga:** shut up kawa or I'll fuck you

 **oikawa:** what

 **suga:** what

 **akaashi:** stop flirting, homos

 **oikawa:** this is homophobia 

**akaashi:** good <3

 **suga:** it's okay oikawa, he just doesn't support our lifestyle :/

 **oikawa:** fuck you kaashi you'll be hearing from my lawyer

 **akaashi:** my lawyer could beat up your lawyer

 **suga:** <3lawyer brawls <3

 **akaashi:** just because I don't want to see you guys do anal does not mean I'm a homophobia

 **oikawa:** A HOMOPHOBIAHJKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

 **suga:** WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

 **oikawa:** I'M CRTYINg

 **akaashi:** guys pls, get it together

 **suga:** I'M PISSING

 **oikawa:** PISS IN MY MOUTH DADDY

 **akaashi:** I CAN'T INBHX

**━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━**

< **OSAMU MIYA (ONLINE)** >

 **osamu:** hey tsumu

hellooo what's up? **>**

 **osamu:** uhm, you know I love you right?

of course, I do **>**

 **osamu:** then you'll know that I don't think I'm better than you?  
 **osamu:** you're like the other half of me, I don't think of you any less

I know samu it's fine :) **>**

 **osamu:** don't do that, I saw the look you had when.. you know.  
 **osamu:** you said you didn't care when I said everyone hated you but  
 **osamu:** but you do care

I'm a lot to handle, it's okay if people don't like me **>**  
everything is fine, okay samu? I'm okay and if I'm not then I'll talk to you. but for now, I'm okay <3 **>**

 **osamu:** if you say so..  
 **osamu:** anyways, come downstairs I got you something :)  
 _read_

**━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━** _  
_

**suga:** FUCK OFF BNHA IS OBVIOUSLY BETTER

 **oikawa:** SHOVE THAT UP YOUR ASS JJK IS BETTER

 **suga:** WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??

 **oikawa:** IT'S SO INFURIATING TO WATCH THE MC CRY EVERY FUCKING EPISODE, GET THAT BITCH OUTTA HERE

 **suga:** DEKU COULD BEAT ITADORI TO A PULP

 **akaashi:** lol that's funny

 **oikawa:** NO?? WHAT?? THE?? FUCK?? HE'D BREAK HIS FUCKING BONES BEFORE EVEN TOUCHING YUUJI, CRY ABOUT IT LOSER

 **suga:** I'LL FUCK YOUR ASS NEXT TIME I SEE YOU

 **oikawa:** I'LL HOLD THAT AGAINST YOU WHORE

 **suga:** FINE

 **oikawa:** FINE

 **akaashi:** get a room

 **suga:** FUCK OFF

 **oikawa:** YEAH WHORE

 **akaashi:** :/

 **atsumu:** hey bitches  
 **atsumu:** what the fuck

 **oikawa:** TSUMU BACK ME UP

 **atsumu:** < _FUCK OFF BNHA IS OBVIOUSLY BETTER_ >  
no it's not, what piss did you drink?

 **akaashi:** I agree with atsumu

 **suga:** UGH THAT'S NOT TRUE

 **oikawa:** SHUT UP OMG YOUR SO DUMB GO FALL OVER

 **atsumu:** samu brought me a sukuna plush btw I'm not crying lol

 **oikawa:** SAMU IS SO CUTE WHAT HE KNOWS YOU SO WELL

 **suga:** mf weren't you just slandering him before

 **oikawa:** hA nO

 **akaashi:** you fucking liar

 **atsumu:** shawtylikeamelodyinmyheadgotmesinginglikenanananana

 **suga:** TSUMU NO

 **oikawa:** HE'S POSSESSED

 **suga:** GONE I TELL YOU

 **oikawa:** bitch what the fuck I said it first

 **suga:** literally piss off

 **oikawa:** shut the fuck up you prick  
 **oikawa:** come over

 **suga:** on my way!  
 **suga:** omw

 **akaashi:** WHAT THJE FUCK

 **atsumu:** WAIT I THOUGHT YOU HAD A BF SUGA

 **suga:** he don't need to know b

 **atsumu:** OKAY GET IT I GUESS

 **akaashi:** who's y'alls favourite anime characters

 **oikawa:** gojo 

**atsumu:** whore

 **oikawa:** I GOT LOVE FOR YOU TO SUKUNA

 **suga:** INUMAKI WHAT ABOUT INUMAKI

 **akaashi:** AND YUUJI?? MEGUMI?? WHERES THE FLAVOUR??

 **atsumu:** _(image attachment)_

 **akaashi:** STOP MAKING OUT WITH YOUR CARDBOARD CUT OUT

 **atsumu:** who want me

 **suga:** ATSUMU PLS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the ships are fucked don't worry about it <3


End file.
